Picture the scene: it’s been one of Those Days. Everything has gone wrong, and really what you want to do is get under a blanket and grumpily eat ice cream in your cosy little fort. It can’t get much worse, right? Ding dong, you were wrong: a wild Flurch appears.
(Flurch (noun): A person for whom you nurture feelings of intense loathing and contempt; prone to exaggeration, boasting, and/or complaining..)
The Flurch doesn’t care that you’ve had a bad day. They don’t really care that you have opinions or feelings, actually. The Flurch only cares about imparting upon you every detail of their lives, and ensuring that it sounds ten times as dramatic as it really is. They like to make themselves sound impressive, or victimise themselves. Or just inform you of everything you’re doing wrong and how they are vastly superior to you.
There’s a Flurch or three in everyone’s life, and I’m sure that I’m someone else’s Flurch (oh god, please no). Sometimes, thankfully, we don’t actually have to spend much time with our Flurches – we can make excuses to leave, or pretend that our WiFi has cut out. But what if you’re stuck with a Flurch for hours on end? In my opinion, you have several options:
- Paste this expression on your face whenever they speak to / at / near you:
2. Put your hands over your ears and shout “LALALALALA” whenever they speak to / at / near you
3. Stick a photo of your favourite celebrity’s face onto their face. They may still say Flurch-y things, but I’m sure it would be less irritating coming from Jennifer Lawrence or Owen Wilson.
4. Use a spray bottle to squirt them with horse wee at totally random intervals. Flurches are fair game for positive punishment.
5. Resort to playground insults. Nothing wrong with the classic “You’re a bumface”, or “I know you are but what am I?”. Or maybe just repeat everything they say, that’s always a winner.
Unfortunately, we’re (apparently) adults now and we’re meant to stick with option 1. Boring. I wish I knew a better way of dealing with Flurches, but honestly I find the easiest option is to nod, smile, agree, and run away as quickly as possible. When I find a better way, I’ll let you know. More interestingly, how can we make sure that we don’t become someone else’s Flurch? I have a few ideas:
- Take a genuine interest in other people’s life. Ask how they are, how their day has been, what their plans are for the evening. Be a human.
- Do your complaining and moaning and grumbling to the friends who will understand and sympathise, get it out of your system, and move on. Getting snappy at the bus driver will not help.
- Celebrate other people’s successes and milestones. Don’t be a jealous Flurch that you didn’t do it first / better / differently. Be the anti-Flurch – lift people up, and use their accomplishments to motivate yourself and make changes in your life.
- Learn as much as you can about as much as you can, and put your energy into learning new things. Be willing to teach people, but don’t shove it in their face.
I really believe that just being a decent human being is the best thing you can do with your life. Accept the Flurches, tolerate them and be polite, but aim to make yourself the best anti-Flurch you can possibly be.
Maybe don’t spray people with horse wee.
Adulthood (Not Really!) 